I am kind of melancholy today. It is Christmas break from school and I am alone at home to do lots. You would think I would be euphoric.
I am missing my mom and Scott's mom a lot lately~everyday. There is not a day that goes by without thinking about something I would love to share with them. They say grief gets better over time~ for me I don't cry as much, but I think about them all the time.
I don't want to be one of those people who can't look forward to the future because I live in the past to much, but turning 50 has been a hard number for me. I can't really pinpoint why this is, but I am not exactly where I thought or hoped I would be at this age. If you ask me where I had hoped to be I'm not sure what to tell you. I married young, had our girls young and so maybe it is the Grandma thing. I compare myself to Scott's mom at this age. She was a very young Grandma (late 30's)

But life is what it should be right now because all of our days and times are ordaned by God, and He does not make mistakes. I know in His time I will be a Grandma and hopefully be able to take care of them often. I say that losely because I want their mommys to be able stay at home with them. It was the most rewarding job I ever had and even though we had little finacially we had enough because the time with our girls at home was worth more the any material thing.

God has been so good to Scott and I--we have not understood some things that we have gone through, but I know He was with us and walked through all of life with us. He doesn't promise tomorrow to anyone, but I know that if tomorrow doesn't come for me I will be in a more wonderful place with my mom and Scott's mom having a wonderful reunion. Time marches on and there is nothing I can do to stop it and so I will direct my mindset towards hoping for and looking forward to 51. :)